Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things a person can go through. Whatever your relationship with the person who has died, and however they died, the grief that follows is real, valid, and entirely your own. There is no right way to feel, and there is no set timeline for how long it lasts.
If you are reading this in the immediate aftermath of a loss, we want you to know something important: what you are experiencing right now, however overwhelming it feels, is a natural human response to love. Grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is the result of having cared deeply for someone.
This guide is here to help you understand what grief can feel like, offer some gentle steps that may bring a little comfort, and let you know when it might be time to ask for more support.
You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. Approaching things one hour, one day at a time is enough.
What does grief feel like?
Grief rarely looks the way we expect it to. Films and publications often portray it as quiet weeping, but the reality is far more complicated. Grief can be loud, confusing, physical, and completely unpredictable.
According to the NHS, grief can affect you emotionally, physically, and behaviourally. You may experience some of the following, or none of them. There is no single pattern.
Emotionally, you might feel:
- Great sadness or a sense of emptiness
- Shock or disbelief, even if the death was expected
- Anger, including anger at the person who has died
- Guilt, or a sense that you could have done more
- Relief, particularly after a long illness, which can itself bring feelings of guilt
- Numbness, as though you are watching events from a distance
Physically, grief can cause:
- Exhaustion and difficulty sleeping
- Changes in appetite such as eating too much or too little
- A heavy feeling in the chest, or difficulty breathing
- Headaches or a general sense of physical heaviness
In your day-to-day life, you might notice:
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
- Withdrawing from friends, family, or activities you usually enjoy
- Finding it hard to make even simple decisions
Is there a “normal” way to grieve?
The short answer is no. You may be familiar with the “five stages of grief” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), a model developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While this system can be a helpful way of naming feelings, grief rarely follows a neat sequence. Most people move back and forth between different emotions, sometimes within a single day.
What matters most is not whether your grief looks a particular way, but whether you are being gentle with yourself as you move through it.
What might help in the early days
There is no formula for getting through grief, and we would never suggest that a few simple steps can make it easier. But there are small, gentle things that many people find helpful, particularly in the early days when everything feels raw.
Give yourself permission to feel
One of the most important things you can do is resist the urge to push your feelings away. It can be tempting to stay busy, to “hold it together” for others, or to tell yourself you should be coping better. But allowing yourself to feel what you feel, whether that is sadness, anger, or even times of laughter, is not a form of weakness. It is part of the process.
Mind, the mental health charity, recommends identifying and expressing your feelings rather than suppressing them. This might mean crying when you need to, talking to someone you trust, or simply sitting quietly with your thoughts.
Lean on the people around you
Grief can make you withdraw, but connection with others is one of the most powerful sources of comfort available to you. You don’t have to talk about your loss if you don’t want to. Sometimes simply being in the company of people who care about you is enough.
If you’re not sure what you need from others, that’s completely understandable. It can help to think about it in advance and let people know. Most friends and family members want to support you but may not know how.
Look after your basic needs
When you’re grieving, everyday tasks can feel impossibly heavy. Caring for your body, even in small ways, can help you manage the emotional weight a little more steadily.
| What to try | Why it helps |
| Eating regular meals, even small ones | Keeps your energy stable and helps regulate your mood |
| Getting outside for a short walk | Gentle movement can lift your mood and improve sleep |
| Keeping a loose routine | Provides a sense of structure when everything else feels uncertain |
| Resting when you need to | Grief is exhausting; sleep and rest are not indulgences, they’re necessary |
| Limiting alcohol | Alcohol can intensify difficult emotions and disrupt sleep |
Allow yourself moments of ordinary life
It is entirely normal to feel guilty about laughing at something, enjoying a meal, or having a few hours where you weren’t thinking about your loss. These times are not a betrayal of the person who has died. They are a sign that you are still here, and that is something to hold on to.
As Mind puts it: “It’s ok to feel happy and to find enjoyment in life. Having positive emotions or good days doesn’t mean we don’t care or aren’t still grieving.”
How can you keep their memory alive?
For many people, finding ways to honour the person they have lost brings a quiet sense of comfort and continuity. This doesn’t mean dwelling in the past. It means carrying them forward with you.
There is no single right way to do this. Some ideas that others have found meaningful include:
- Talking about them with people who knew and loved them, telling stories and memories
- Creating a memory box filled with letters, photographs, small objects, or anything that brings them to mind
- Visiting a meaningful place, somewhere you shared together, or a place they loved
- Marking anniversaries and important dates with a brief ritual, lighting a candle, planting something in the garden, or merely taking a moment to think of them
- Doing something in their name, whether that is supporting a cause they cared about, learning something they always wanted to learn, or completing something they started
- Writing to them, in a journal or a letter, as a way of processing feelings that are hard to say aloud
Grief may change shape over time, but love remains constant. Finding purposeful ways to celebrate that love allows their memory to guide you forward, not as something lost, but as something still deeply alive in your heart.
If you would like to create a lasting online tribute for your loved one, we work with MuchLoved, a bereavement charity that enables families to build tribute websites and raise funds for causes important to their hearts.
What about difficult moments and triggers?
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. It can ambush you in the most commonplace moments: hearing a song, catching a familiar smell, seeing something in a shop window that you would have bought for them. These times can feel destabilising, even months or years after the loss.
Understanding your triggers
A trigger is anything that brings your grief to the surface suddenly and with force. Common ones include:
- Important dates, such as birthdays, anniversaries, or the anniversary of their death
- Seasonal events, particularly Christmas and other occasions that feel built around family
- Encountering their belongings, or a place you associate strongly with them
- Hearing news that you would normally have shared with them
Knowing that triggers are a normal part of grief can help. When one catches you off guard, try not to fight the feeling. Acknowledge it, let it pass at its own pace, and be kind to yourself afterwards.
Grief at particular times of year
Certain times of year can intensify grief significantly. If you’re finding a particular season or occasion especially hard, you are not alone. We’ve written more about this in our guide to navigating loss at Christmas, which offers specific advice for managing grief during the festive period.
A note on social media: Seeing posts about the person who has died, or simply scrolling through other people’s happy moments, can be painful when you are grieving. It’s completely reasonable to take a break from social media, mute certain accounts, or set boundaries around how much time you spend online.
When should you seek professional support?
Most people find that grief, while deeply painful, gradually becomes more manageable over time. But for some, grief can become what is occasionally called “complicated grief” or prolonged grief disorder, where the intensity of the loss does not ease and begins to significantly affect your ability to function day to day.
Signs that it may be time to ask for help
There is no shame in needing more support than friends and family can provide. Consider speaking to your GP or a bereavement counsellor if:
- You have had a continuously low mood for more than two weeks
- You are struggling with intense anxiety, panic attacks, or intrusive thoughts
- You are using alcohol, medication, or other substances to cope
- You are having thoughts of harming yourself or not wanting to be here
- You feel completely unable to manage daily tasks, work, or relationships
- Your grief feels as raw and overwhelming months later as it did in the first days
The NHS recommends speaking to a GP if you’re struggling to cope, have had a low mood for more than two weeks, or if the things you’re trying yourself are not helping. You can also refer yourself straight to NHS talking therapies if you are 18 or over.
What kind of support is available?
There are several avenues worth knowing about:
- Your GP is a good first port of call. They can assess whether you need a referral and signpost you to local services.
- NHS talking therapies (formerly IAPT) offer free psychological support, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which can be helpful for grief-related anxiety and depression. You can self-refer in most areas.
- Cruse Bereavement Support is the UK’s leading bereavement charity, giving a free helpline (0808 808 1677) and one-to-one counselling.
- Mind provides a range of mental wellness resources and can help you find local support groups.
- The Samaritans are available 24 hours a day on 116 123 if you need to talk to somebody urgently.
You can find a full list of bereavement helplines and organisations on our help with bereavement page.
Free bereavement counselling for Levertons families
If you have arranged a funeral with us, you may be eligible for free bereavement support through SAIF Care, the welfare arm of the Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors. This includes access to a helpline and counselling sessions at no cost to you. You can find out more on our SAIF Care bereavement support page.
If you are also arranging a funeral
For many people, grief and the practical demands of arranging a funeral arrive at the same time. Having to make decisions about coffins, services, and finances while you are in the depths of shock is an enormous ask, and it’s completely understandable if it feels too much.
You do not have to manage it alone. A good funeral director will guide you through every step at your own pace, making sure you understand your options without any pressure to decide quickly or spend more than you are comfortable with.
A few things worth knowing:
- There is no legal requirement to make arrangements immediately. Most families have several days before decisions need to be made.
- You don’t need to know what you want straight away. It’s fine to ask questions, take time to think, and come back when you’re ready.
- The people around you, whether family, friends, or a funeral director, can help carry some of the practical load.
If you’d like a clear, step-by-step overview of what arranging a funeral involves, our guide to planning a funeral walks you through the process in plain language, without any pressure or jargon.
You don’t have to grieve alone
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, and yet it can feel profoundly isolating. If there is one thing we would want you to take from this guide, it is this: you are not alone in what you are feeling, and there is no version of grief you have to face without support.
Whether that support comes from a friend, a family member, a counsellor, a helpline, or simply from knowing that what you are experiencing is real and recognised, please reach out for it.
At Levertons, we have been supporting North London families through bereavement for over 230 years. Our role does not end when the funeral does. If you have questions or simply need to talk to someone who understands, we are here.
Useful contacts at a glance:
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677 (free helpline)
- Samaritans: 116 123 (available 24 hours a day, free)
- Mind: www.mind.org.uk
- NHS talking therapies: self-refer at nhs.uk/talking-therapies
- GOV.UK bereavement support: gov.uk/after-a-death
For a full list of bereavement organisations and helplines, visit our help with bereavement page. If you arranged your loved one’s funeral with us, you can also access free counselling through SAIF Care.
